We’re thrilled to bring today’s guest post by Ruth Neustifter, MSSW-MFT. Ruth Neustifter, MSSW-MFT is a sexuality educator, researcher and writer for The Explorers Blog. As a doctoral candidate of Family and Child Development, she has presented internationally and has been recognized for her work within the queer community. Ruth is not a therapist or medical doctor. You may contact her at her blog or at ExploringIntimacy (at) gmail (dot) com.

If you’re lucky then you already have the perfect psychotherapist.  Your wonderful therapist listens well, asks useful question most of the time, and doesn’t have to be taught what it means to live as a queer person.  Certainly, you never have to worry that your therapist is judging you for your sexuality, whether you’re there to discuss that topic or not.  For the rest of us, I offer these tips on finding your perfect, queer affirming therapist.

Why queer affirming?

If you’re going in for therapy related to your sex or gender identity, then the answer is fairly obvious.  You don’t want a professional who merely tolerates such things, you want an ally sitting in the big chair!  But what if you’re calling with other problems?  Does it matter then?  It certainly does.  Minority status, be it regarding sex, gender, ethnicity, spirituality, etc., (or a combination) impacts every aspect of our lives.  If  this basic cornerstone is a problem for your therapist, your therapy may waste your time or even do more harm than good!  There are still therapists out there who believe that homosexuality is a mental illness requiring torturous treatment.  On the less extreme end, therapists are just regular people with special training and it is not safe to assume that they are gay friendly or trans aware.  In fact, many licensing requirements are surprisingly weak on training for sexual topics, including sexual and gender diversity.

Where do I start?

Begin with recommendations from trusted sources.  Ask your friends and family, if you can, and check out publications from relevant businesses such as local queer affirming places of worship, newsletters, websites, social services and groups, and queer phone directories.  Need more sources?  Many state and national professional organizations offer lists online of certified and/or licensed therapists including their areas of specialization (Family Equality Council has a member maintained listing in the Family Equality Wikis).  Three are at the end of this post. Gather a few promising names and get your phone.

Interviewing potential therapists

Some therapists won’t favor this suggestion, but it is perfectly ethical and appropriate to interview therapists before settling on one.  Begin on the phone by calling and asking the usual questions about credentials, price, billing, appointment times, policies etc.  It is not necessary to give your name or contact information at this time, unless you are leaving a message.  If asked, state “I have a few questions before we get to that, if you don’t mind.”  Consider including questions specific to both your queer identity and your concern/s.  If something sounds not-quite-right then ask for clarification or politely thank them and end the conversation.  Here are a few sample questions to get you started, just insert yourself into the parenthesis.

1. What is your approach to working with (same-sex attracted) clients?
2. What training do you have in working with the (trans) community?
3. What local queer businesses, organizations or professionals are you involved with? (especially important if you want them to coordinate with an area doctor, etc.)
4. How much experience do you have working with the (lesbian leather) community?
5. Can you give me some general examples of cases in which you have worked with other (gay parents)?

You may also arrange to meet therapists in person to see how you click before committing to therapy.  This is a fine time to ask if they know of any other therapists you might consider, if they just doesn’t seem right.  A good therapist is ready to make referrals and recommendations.  Do treat your prospective therapists respectfully by letting them know that you’re meeting several therapists.  It is best to do this over a short period of time, such as one or two weeks.  Expect to pay their full price and fill out the legally required and standard intake paperwork for each one.  While you’re at it, check out that paperwork to see how queer-friendly it is. Once you have made your decision you should call the rest back and tell them that you are terminating treatment.  This allows them to close your file and make space for a new client.  Although you can offer feedback if you want to, you don’t owe them any other information.

Keeping the professional relationship strong

You’ve gotten suggestions from your friends, doctor and neighbor.  You called around, visited a few, and have the beginning of a solid professional relationship.  Now is the time to make sure that you stand out as the kind of client your queer affirming therapist wants to keep seeing.

1. Pay on time, in full.
2. Cancel in advance of their policy whenever possible.  This is money lost for them, don’t make it time wasted, too.
3. Be honest and open, including feedback about the therapeutic process itself.

Psychotherapy can be a wonderful option for anything from common relationship stress to major life-changing events.  With a little preplanning you can find the kind of queer affirming therapist worth bragging to your friends about!  Before I go, let me offer one final insider’s tip: a common guideline among therapists is that one should never work harder than the client.  Put in a solid effort, and they are more likely to provide superior services.  Best of luck!

Great Links: 

• The American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists which requires special training in sexuality and gender diversity. Click here for more info.
• Listings for the National Association of Social Workers. Click here for more info.
• The Association for Marriage & Family Therapy. Click here for more info.

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