My 6 and 8 year old want to know where they came from. What should I tell them?

Initially, like all children, our children wonder where they came from. As they grow older and gain information about biology and how babies are conceived, they may come to ask questions about the creation of our families. The presumption of a mother and father creating a child (which may be valid for some of our children) is one with which our children will be saturated through their daily interactions with children's books, the media, school personnel, peer discussions and exposure to family models.

Very young children are not naturally inclined to make judgments about family structure. They see family configurations as a matter of fact. As children become a part of the larger peer culture, they will be exposed to other peoples' judgments of their families. The earlier children are given appropriate information about their lives and our families, the easier it will be for them to understand and appreciate them.

Adoption. Children who are adopted can be told the story of meeting their adoptive parent or parents for the first time, including the ways in which their family wanted and planned for them. Books with related themes can be used to help the child relate to other similar experiences.

Donor (alternative) insemination. Sometimes adults have a hard time discussing things like donor insemination. Preparing simple answers ahead of time to the questions you know are coming can help you feel more comfortable, such as: "Your mommy and I wanted to have a baby. You grew from a special people egg in mommy's body in a place called a womb."

If pressed further, you can discuss the introduction of sperm by saying, "We also needed a seed from a man, which is called sperm, to help the egg grow into a baby. Our doctor helped us find someone who wanted to help us make a baby. The seed and egg grew to be you."

Surrogacy. Surrogacy can also be handled with a simple explanation such as, "Your daddies wanted to have a baby. You grew in a woman's body in a special place called a womb until you were ready to be born. Then daddy and I were able to bring you home to our house." Later, language like "birth mother" can be included to help the child understand the relationships.

Note: Because children at this stage associate mother and father as relationships that children have with people, be cautious about using terms like "father" or "mother" to describe sperm donors or surrogates unless you have made the decision to include them in a parenting relationship.

Blended families. Children in blended families from previous heterosexual or gay or lesbian relationships need to be able to talk about their families of origin as well as the relationships they have with the people with whom they currently live.

If you are able to discuss your new relationship honestly and openly by saying things such as, "Cheryl and I love each other and want to live together," it will help the children understand how their family has changed. Children need to hear that former partners still love them and that they can still love all their parents without hurting anyone.

Allowing children to develop in their relationship with a new partner at a comfortable pace and using language that they choose (such as, stepfather, "Mom's friend," "my other Mom") gives them a sense of control over their relationships. Adults can point out language that might be suitable such as, "Do you think he's kind of your step-dad, like Eric is your friend Emilia's step-dad?"