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Sadly, this is a question LGBTQ parents ask themselves all the time, but for that same reason it's a great question to ask.
There's no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with homophobic teachers, but there are some best practices you can consider and follow.
First of all, you have to be clear about what you mean by homophobic. You would respond differently, for instance, to a teacher who routinely uses anti-gay slurs in the classroom than you would to a teacher who doesn't return your calls about scheduling a parent-teacher conference, assuming he/she is doing so because he/she doesn't want to deal with LGBTQ parents.
Engage in some self-reflection. What is homophobia to you? What are your standards for equality and justice?
However you define what is homophobic, documentation is key. If you sense homophobia in a teacher (or any other school official, for that matter), keep a log of when you sense the homophobia and why. Should you feel the need to address your concerns with a supervisor, you're better off having a record to stand on.
Open communication is essential to progress, but before I talk about the benefits of communication, I want to be clear that "homophobia" in the form of harassment, bullying, discrimination and intimidation should be taken very seriously, and if anyone involved is in immediate harm, proper authorities should be contacted immediately.
That said, it's up to you as LGBTQ parents and allies to draw the line between "immediate harm" and a situation that can be handled more delicately. Physical harm obviously requires immediate attention, whereas certain kinds of verbal harm aren't as easy to diagnose. Do a gut check and trust your gut -- if you feel that verbal homophobia is serious enough to be considered intimidation or harassment, it probably requires a rapid response.
For situations that seem to involve more ignorance and/or inaction than ill will, open communication between you and the teacher (or other official) may clear the air and lead to great progress. An example of this, just so we're on the same page, could be a teacher who routinely gives assignments to a child that involve discussing the child's "mom and dad," given that the child has never had both a mom and a dad. You may think the teacher knows this, but aren't sure. You may also know that the teacher is aware of your family, but not know that the teacher has a supervisor he/she worries will take action against him/her if he/she supports LGBTQ inclusion. In either case, you're likely to be dealing with someone who is open to supporting your family, but isn't sure how to do it or if he/she can.
If you're an LGBTQ parent and are not out to the teacher, you probably should be. There are situations in which being out could endanger you and/or your family, and you should always speak openly with your children about the coming out process, involving them in those decisions and discussions. But as a general rule, being out with teachers and other school officials is essential to raising awareness about the needs of LGBTQ-headed families.
In other words, you can't fix a problem until you've named it.
Beyond outness, you need to be clear about what words/behaviors are offensive to LGBTQ-headed families and what words/behaviors make them feel included and supported. Likewise, you should be ready and willing to explain LGBTQ community language that others may not understand.
Make a list with two columns, "Exclusions" and "Inclusions," documenting both in terms that teachers and other officials can understand.
For example, "Exclusions" might include "No alternative activities for Mother's Day/Father's Day accepted," while "Inclusions" might include, "Students are allowed to make projects/gifts for any family member/person they desire." This is the kind of list you could go over with a teacher, making sure that you don't approach him/her from a place of blame, as he/she is then likely to be put on the defensive and less open to change.
When approaching teachers, your best bet is to assume support..
Teachers and other educators are responsible for ensuring the healthy development and safety of all students in their care. Walking into a room assuming that a teacher wants to help all children learn, so long as they have the tools to best approach each child, puts you in a place of power.
Assuming support is not naïve of the homophobia that truly exists; rather, it puts you in the right mindset, that regardless of whether homophobia does or does not exist in any one person, it should not, and it's the homophobic person's job (with your help) to make sure that it ends.
Each situation is different and calls for a different response, but outness, attention to detail (i.e. deciding what the homophobic behavior is and where it might come from), a willingness to respond, open communication and resource sharing are good places to start.
For more information and resources on making schools safe and inclusive for all families, check out Family Equality Council's schools publications, sign up for an OUTSpoken Toolkit, complete the Rainbow Report Card, join our enews and subscribe to our blog!
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